The Best Dr. Zoidburg Quotes

[The DeadMan]

Dr. Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.
Dr. Zoidberg: No, no, not that mouth.
Fry: I only have one.
Dr. Zoidberg: Really?
Fry: Uh... is there a human doctor around?
Dr. Zoidberg: Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say "brglgrglgrrr"!
Fry: Uh... brglgrglgrglgrrr!
Dr. Zoidberg: What? My mother was a saint! Get out!

Fry: Okay, you're on a date. What's the first thing you do?
Dr. Zoidberg: Ask her to mate with me.
Fry: No, tell her she's special.
Dr. Zoidberg: But she's not, she's merely the female with the largest clutch of eggs.
Fry: Well, tell her that. And then what?
Dr. Zoidberg: Then mating.
Fry: No, make up some feelings and tell her you have them.
Dr. Zoidberg: Is desire to mate a feeling?
Fry: Ugh, you're not even trying.
Dr. Zoidberg: Ohhh, it's all so complicated, with the flowers, and the romance, and the lies upon lies.

Dr. Zoidberg: I wasn't wearing it. I was eating it.

Dr. Zoidberg: Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor.

Dr. Zoidberg: I don't trust that doctor. I bet I've lost more patients than he's even treated.

Dr. Zoidberg: Instead of 'claus' he writes 'claws'. Now that's humourous! Today's comedians could learn from this card.

Leela: Zoidberg!
Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring.

Dr. Zoidberg: Stop! Stop! If you interrupt the mating dance the male will become enraged and maul us with his fearsome gonad!

Dr. Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies..

Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal. And that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
Dr. Zoidberg: Damn right.
Fry: And the professor's a senile amoral crackpot.
Professor: Oyeeaii.
Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
Hermes: Tally me banana.
Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
Amy: Whoops.
Professor: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
Fry: I already did!

Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes!
Dr. Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby, I need those shoes.

Dr. Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don't be surprised if I've eaten.

Dr. Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!

Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.
Dr. Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.

"Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your cleptomania or your pornography ring." -Leela
"In fact, that's why we love you." -Zoidberg

"Finally, I have a good claw! See? Three human females, a number, and a king giving himself brain surgery!"
--Zoidberg, on the ideal poker hand

Dr. Zoidberg: "Help! A guinea pig tricked me."

Dr. Zoidberg: "Talk to the claw."
Bender: "Bite my collosal metal ass."

Dr. Zoidberg: "Okay, so you're nonchalant, stop rubbing our noses in it.

Dr. Zoidberg: "Hooray, I'm useful. I'm having a wonderful time."

Dr. Zoidberg: "Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age he's likely to die soon."

"Aw, poor baby, chipped a fang." -Leela
"Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don't see anyone kissing it." -Bender
"All right, I'm coming." -Zoidberg

Bender to Zoidberg: "You're looking less nuts, crabby."

Leela: "It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast."
Dr. Zoidberg: "Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material."
Fry: "You and me both, brother."

Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?"
Dr. Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"

Nurse: Are you ready to operate doctor?
Dr. Zoidberg: I'd love to, but first I have to perform a surgery.

Cubert: Do you even have a medical degree?
Dr. Zoidberg: I lost it.. in a volcano.

Fry: You guys are crazy! Leela doesn't need surgery. You look great the way you are.
Leela: Ohh, that's so sweet Fry. But for once in my life I just want to look normal.
Fry: But you are better than normal, you are abnormal. If you ask me, you shouldn't think what other people think.
Leela: You are right. I'll start by not caring what you think.
Professor: Thatta girl!
Leela: Right on!
Dr. Zoidberg: Wonderful! And while you are under the knife, you can also get an ink pounch to help you escape your enemies.
Professor: That's the stupiest idea I've heard you imbecil!

Dr. Zoidberg: Be careful with that athlete Leela. He is a doctor. They are very poor.
Leela: Actually most doctors are rich.
Dr. Zoidberg: What?! When did this happen? You are joking, right? That's not funny!

Dr. Zoidberg: The female Leelas problem is purely genetical. Soon she will lay her eggs and they will hatch and all will be fine.

Dr. Blue Zoidberg: So, tell me about yourself.
Dr. Zoidberg: Well don't look into it, but i'm a respectful internal medicine doctor. Uuh.. a can!
Dr. Blue Zoidberg: As for me i design mansions, then live in them. [Crying] I'm lying. I'm an apalling failure!
Dr. Zoidberg: [Crying] Me too! A big fat one.
Dr. Blue Zoidberg: And those co-workers, always looking down on us Zoidbergs. What are they? From Nobhill?
Dr. Zoidberg: They're all like "Stop spraying me with ink Zoidberg!" "Put on pants Zoidberg!" "Don't touch our fancy box Zoidberg"!
Dr. Blue Zoidberg: Uuh that box. Too good for us, is it?
Dr. Zoidberg: Bah! Some day they'll watch, from down in the gutter they will, as King Zoidberg caresses their fancy box!
Dr. Blue Zoidberg: You know, maybe a certain blue lobster saw where the Professor hid the box.

Dr. Zoidberg: Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg!
Dr. Zoidberg: Oh now! Professor will hit me!
Dr. Zoidberg: But if Zoidberg fixes it.. perhaps gifts!

Dr. Zoidberg: Only 14.99$ for a two-record set. Two records! Ooh Zoidberg at last you are becoming a crafty consumer. I'll take eight.
Newsletter seller: Extra extra! Greatest opera of all times sucks!
Dr. Zoidberg: I'll take eight!

[Faceless Woman]

Don't forget: Now, if you'll excuse me, there's some pasta over there with pnly two footprints in it. [pause] Three. *gobble gobble*

[scalem X]

ow and there is one like:

...(insert something) doesn't make me a doctor,... these fancy clothes do

[Faceless Woman]

Qualifications, possibly? A diploma? Talent? The ability to treat a slight cold without killing the patient?

[Azathoth]

From "Roswell That Ends Well" -

President Truman: Now what's your mission? Are you planning on making some sort of alien-human hybrid?

Zoidberg (slightly offended): Are you coming onto me?

Truman (angrily): Hot crackers, I take exception to that!

Zoidberg (seductively): I'm not hearing a no.




Heh heh, Dr. Zoidberg was one of the most awesome characters ever.

[Weasel Soup]

In 2008 new futuramas will be broadcasted. WOOT!